I’m not addicted to pills. I don't have a drinking problem. I have a can't-stop-achieving problem. Same chemical, same behavior: chase it → feel good for a minute → need more.

This spring, my steady work ended. I wrapped composing season 2 of Leanne for Netflix and instead of jumping right back into writing new songs, I built four fake businesses. Spreadsheets. Branding. Plans for creative projects I will never start. It felt productive. It felt safe (let’s face it, being a work-for-hire composer and an artist in a streaming world is not a secure revenue stream). It looked like motion.

It was actually procrastination wearing a business plan because I was scared, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to admit that to myself.

From time to time, I get sucked into the social media gurus who seem to have built million-dollar businesses from passive income products. I admire the business moguls who own their own thing. I fantasize about what steady, secure income and “success” would feel like.

One problem: that’s not me. It’s not what I do. My gift is writing songs and making music. I am not a passive income stream business. I’m an artist and collaborator.

I’ve noticed this same hustle pattern for two summers in a row now. Right on cue (pardon the composition pun), every May when Leanne completed. This summer, I finally called myself out on my own b.s., I wrote a stack of new songs, and submitted them to my sync agents. I’m back on the wagon, so to speak.

Album art for Hole in My Soul by Lauren Lucas. Woman with dark brown, wet hair walking in a blue dress away from a swampy pond — The cover art YOU helped me create. Thank you!

“Hole in My Soul” was actually written last year before I could clearly see what I was doing to myself. I wrote it with Kenny Greenberg, and it's the swampiest, most stomp-clap, gospel-choir-at-the-end thing I've ever put my name on. It's about this craving that doesn't quit no matter how much you feed it. For me, that craving was never a bottle. It was achievement. Comparison. The hustle. The particular addiction of a woman who can't sit still long enough to ask why she's running.

"I don't reach for the bottle, I won’t touch dope / A sneakier feeling's taking hold. I’ve been drinking the rain, but I’m dying of thirst/ every blessing these days feels like a curse.” Those are the first lines of the song, and it was never really about substances. It's about how fast one craving gets replaced by another, more subtle one. Twenty-seven years in this business, and I still catch myself trying to prove something to somebody I couldn't even name if you asked me to.

I'm not saying I've solved it. I wrote a song about it, not a self-help book. But naming it has helped. And therapy helps. If you've got your own version of this craving, then welcome. Crank this one up and add it to your favorite playlist. The full song's out now.

If you like the behind-the-scenes making of the music and want to hear more about my writing philosophy on this song, I’ve opened up the vault on those types of intimate stories and 27 years of song catalog I’ve never released in the Inner Listening Room. Every founding member is still there. You can enjoy over 15 songs and their stories to date. I drop new songs and stories every month, so it continues to grow.

You can step inside the room here →

Oh! One more thing. The cover art for this release has a really cool story. YOU helped me create it on this IG post. I loved your suggestions and used them for the finished product. Honestly, if left to my own devices, I was going to go a totally different direction. I’m glad I asked you for your input. I love how it turned out.